A fear an anxiety is rushing all through my system right now.
i am very disturbed...and I am scared to ask for help.
I dont knw if you exist god...if you do be there for the family.
on whom u've showered grief and barrens of dust and unhappiness.

if u're a writer-and u're cooling by using a mac...
Try omni writer...:)
Best place to get pleasure in solitude...

Randomly content

I dont know if I am growing with love,
or love is growing with passing time
what I do know is that I am content
with the happiness and support
I had long deserved but was deprived of

I dont care about the term "marriage"
Theres so much left to fulfil
So much left to smile about
to enjoy to flirt around to be urself
just one last time, this one last stage
Those man-tears may never come out
lol...but before I marry
..Ill definitely be blissful

My goals are far fetched
there's a lot more to achieve
I have to get faster at
realizing my childhood dreams

Wow...
never knew it takes a yr to feel better about something so long forgotten...
Doesnt matter where in the world u're
Its upto you to make your life happier...
Its not the place...but how u juggle your problems that determines how happy u can get...
Dont knw how long it will take me to forget that night...

Loved the first week of the yr!..

This is what I wrote on my flight back-

"My mind is juggling ideas, thoughts, ways to make this problem easier, to defeat my natural instinct to feel bad, to feel hurt, to feel like this can be made better. To find any practical solution that can make me feel lighter.

I go back and think to myself-no I tried hard. I did all I could and the rest was destiny. I don't think of God as the one who controls everything. He is an intermediary, a very kind figure who is there to make our life less worse. He's trying all he can to make it a little easier. Sometimes, he is successful, sometimes stronger defeats him.

J was the highlight of my trip. It was just so good to plan that afternoon with him. Once in a while, Ill think of his niceness, and remember - if to no1 else, it matters to him. As if he says "I care for you, I respect you... I want to preserve this as good friends"

Another highlight was of-course...N bothered me...a very good sign I am human, once in a while jealous. Its gone, its chnged and I forget very quickly...I demanded this change. I will breathe hard and tell myself- its okay, its normal. I need to forgive myself if I need somethings to help me going a demanding life once in a while.

Excited to be back...Waiting to meet the dot dot ppl.

And thinking of what dad said-life is never easy. You make the not-so-easy-part fun...I went thru the many hurdles...made some mistakes and reached where I am...it never came to me easy and it shouldnt either to you....Thats how ull get to where I am

The words of 2009:
"While you went thru the bad side of being in a relationship...and you were devoid of all the good side of it" Thats why may be...eventhough i never dated...i knew exactly how bitter it could be...and I am too scared to get into one coz well, i have never really touched the good side of it...lol!
wow...ill be out of touch for a bit...big thinfs coming up...cya soon and Happy 2010!