As I hide these tears from my parents,
I cant help but use them to feel better,
the threshold of tolerable pain has reached
a completely new level...

That the person I seek kindness from
has left no oppurtunity to be a jerk
And the way he consoled me when i was hurt
last yr, least he could have done today,
was left me with some1 to share these emotions with...

I think I know what I was scared of
when i left home in Canada...I see it today
the irony of this very date...
Life has taken a huge U-turn, and
I hope to accelerate gears on the right path

I am full of emotions this moment
Like my fate for today was this...
That you said what you had to
and i couldnt agree more...
And I see it today...
we're leading two distinct lives...
which will never cross again
Thank you for everything :)

When you peel layers of skin

from a wound thats healing...

its bound to hurt..

it bound to bleed..

so..bought my squash racquet and ball..

started reading last lecture...

i m all set!

you used the word 'care' and 'respect' to define a lot of feelings today...
it has helped, such a great deal to calm those many unspoken feelings..
that may be what I have for him is the niceness I want to return...
that his opinion counts because I respect those some attributes he makes visible..
and that love was a totally different thing...too far fetched for us to discuss
or to see in a person you've bearly known or seen around other people...
that while he was distant, it was easy to for him to hide qualities
he didnt want to make visible...and that you cant love him
because there is such a possibility that he is one among those
many people you dont like too much, or are not attracted to here...
This explains why, so many people who dream of the picture perfect guy
find them in long distance or online relationships, because its now so easy
to fit in that picture perfect definition, or become something others want you to be

one day life will hug me with open arms
one day you'll remember my love
one day the world will see my honesty
one day my niceness will be rewarded

one day the world will be fair
one day you will care
i may not be around till then
but that day ull read this
and hope for many different things to be back

gods answering all our prayers
one by one
but one day it will be my turn
to love, to be loved, to lean on
to watch my happy family

i will not quit with time
ill grow...ill not withdraw or give up
ill wait for you to hug me
and pull me in your arms forever

things I look forward to
-Darsh
-Doha
-Corniche
-my honda city(with the broken side mirror)
-home
-Aysh
-SU, sarah
-mom and dad
-tennis matches with jiju
-swimming pool(with that waterfall)
-meeting pavi aunty
-watching gazillion movies
-walks with mommy
:D

Two drops of tears can bring a lot of happiness...a lot...
I am so happy you're gonna come closer to me...congrats:)
Finally, I have this added motivation to see Ottawa :) with you... :D
I <3 your guts!

Hey hey hey...
Life's changing eh?
becoming happier
day by day...

Its November end
And there isnt snow
its time to go
And you aren't low?

so I feel this time
you know this is it
you've changed the odds
and made it fit

If u're asking me
why i made this up..
my subconcious mind
says you suck..:P

Totally gone...lol...
Countdown@3 weeks(21 days)

When I close my eyes to forget you
I dream of all those past memories
I feel I need you even more
When I remove those messages
And know I am ready to do it on my own
I feel I need you even more

Still waiting to hit the "DELETE" button in life...
miss you, but want to remove any possibilities of reunion
want you, but want to block the paths that let you enter
love you, but want to love someone else to get over you

From 4 months to 27 days...the wait is getting shorter...
Memories of Doha capture my brain again...
Life's just holding on for that break
p.s.Coffee house was awesome!My first so-called performance ever!!!

I have come closer to one more reality in life
I will work harder towards making every day worthwhile...
3o days :) the roll is on...
Coffeehouse on Thursday..be there! :P

32 days it is...
and as i go down the countdown..
I shall blog every day
sick of all the assignments
looking for the shine in life... :)

i wish you all the happiness in life
everything you deserve
will all its honesty...ill give it to you
whatever u want
whatever you ask for
because I love you
respect you...
because i value your happiness
just like you value mine

Just when in life,
I had started feeling that
I wasn't important enough
Just when in life,
I had started feeling that
no1 was taking me seriously
you came to fill in me
that respect again
Thank You :)

DD & remiscence!

this morning i woke up thinking of you...
'R'-been missing you of lately
its funny that in the last 2 yrs
you're still not replaced

I wish you were around...
with me...with all of us...
Leaving the family we made here
was something u did so smoothly
and it still looks impossible to me
:(

if prayers reach the above...
i hope my little angel is protecting you
good times will start soon hun
all u gotta do is wait...
its all about trusting him
for the rest...the heavens are with you...
i love you..and everything i do
is in attempt to get closer to you

Hey u-
So there was something I was a part of today, that reminded me of you, your attempt to suicide, and I remembered hearing that from her. I missed you, and I wish I was a better friend then.

You were right. Life will take me somewhere, ill not like it, ill not want to be there, but ill be there, just to be honest to those childhood dreams...

I can give up a lot, for one more day of sitting besides you and pruths...I miss you, I truly do..
(dedicated to old friends, to MES, to suzy and that white uniform where u were green and I was blue)

these 4 yrs...
i have walked
step by step
vacation by vacation
semester by semester

with change of friends,
change of support,
change of persona
change of dreams
change of heart
change of values
I have walked thus far...

these years
i shall never forget
these days...that made me
that shaped me...
life can be
such a dream...

My trip to India...in a nutshell

I had the time of my life.
Some few things I learnt in Mumbai-
1. When my parents wont stand up for their respect, I will, as I did while I was there, even if that meant going against family.
2. My true religion are my parents, I respect them more than I respect God, even if they dont know me enough.
3. As years have passed by, I have become more and more like my dad.
4. Some relationships can never come back to where they were before. The very last time I had met my brother, I had never even known it was my last time. After that, I have only gone to visit the family he is a part of.
5. I can read a lot of minds, I can predict what to expect, my ambition is to be great mind reader, and I can tell I am doing a better job than before in this department.
6. I cannot(absoultely not) multitask.
7. Written words are powerful- much more than thoughts, emotions, speech or actions.
8. There's no better feeling than donating money in charity/at a temple. Once you've done it nothing will make you ask why you did it.
9. When I was rude to some people, I realized it doesnt affect them. They continued being patient to me and being nice to me. I asked myself why, and I undestood it had a lot to with the way I treated them before I left for Canada. It had a lot to do with the way my parents were there for them and it had a lot to do with the love they just contained for me in their sub-conscious mind. I may not take shit from them today, but the truth is that I have become very honest. Much more than what a mango person in India expects you to be. I still love my family and I would do anything for them when need be.
10. I understood why 3 yrs back I took the decision to not go where family is. At that time I didnt understand the difference between dependent and interdependent. I wanted to be called a self-made person. Today, I realize that I could have taught much more to the people who would have been my support. We all would have become interdependent and I would have never have to come to an empty home. I dont regret my decision-though I confess the reasons why I ran away from family were wrong, for which I have and still am paying a price. I learnt a lot more about friendhsip and family in the process. I see a vision to work in Mumbai atleast for a year in my life. A year in my life anytime before my marraige.

The highlight of my visit was Lalbaag gandpati- A dream long awaited came true. I dont express a lot on face these days. But ya, thankyou for everything!:)

jaane ne kahan woh to duniya hai

jaane naa woh hai bhi ya nahi

jahan meri zindagi mujse itni khafha nahi

there are some words that I spoke to mom today
which were reality
which were far from the world that my mind
and heart are forcing me to live in

I think I must have the strngth
that I wish my family possess,
Ill be strong,
Ill do the right thing,
Ill stand by myself
so that after many years
Ill be proud of myself,
the way I am right now
in this moment of truth.

Bhool kar tumko na jee payenge
Saath tum hoge jahan jayenge
Ham koi waqt nahin hain hamdam
Jab bulaaoge chale aayenge

cluttered, pierced, hurt and unspoken

I dont know what to do,
give it sometime or act closer towards it...
wait or just be on the lookout for a new hope
talk or not to talk
to express or not to express
This is really it..and I can take no more
I am so confused
I dunno what to do
what to say
to get that peace again
to get that happiness again
to get that life again
for which I compromised
a zillion other things

that stupid whore who took away my confidence
that rude, conscious-less bus driver...

4 things from emily's new work

1) some things I will forever keep private, sacred.
2)But if seeing him again-and merely touching his hand-could peel so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you're supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you're with?If the answer is no, then will the lapse of time or a change of geography really fix the problem?And regardless of the answer, what does the mere question say about my relationship with Andy?
3)"I just felt desperate to finish the school year, get in a new routine...a new place where I wasn't always reminded of Mom..."-my fav.
4)I think back to Leo's earlier comments today, about how he took himself too serious;y. Maybe that was tru, but I can also see that I didnt take myself seriously enough. and it was that lethal combinstion that made our breakup virtually inevitable.

his random message today made me feel a little scared, and also a little confident...The comment was so random, it even lost its humor if it had any..
I want to deeply thank my mom's prayers and my lord for the last 2 days at work- they were very crucial, very needful, and probably the best new life I have ever gotten.
Aman and cia..you guys are deeply missed but that doesnt mean ill go back to messaging him again. And I so proud of myself for not having messaged him or spoken to him. Its the confidence in me that will make me stronger, not somebody's fake words or fake actions.
"the most true explanations in life are the simplest" and I am living a happy life with simplicity its core.

Its been a hard week,
I am hit hard...
I may be alone...
but surprisingly, there's nothing i miss from old times
thats the benefit of being prepared,
there is no shock
or grief or depression..
Ya i miss them, but not their presence
I miss talkin long hors on the phone
but so much I have realized,
that i dont have the time either...
this is leading on to be a perfect summer
where so mnay things will be taught to me
patience, perseverance,
and most importantly,
how it is to be with a family
that is sometimes breaking,
and sometimes supporting
I have grown by far, in this week
much more than I had in the past

If there was just one thing that was going right in my life or that was giving me the strength...it was my work life. But something happened today; which made me believe that if God does exist, he's blind, he's deaf..and for the most part he's not there.

I was displaced from my audit, all the people unassigned were given my client, and I had to swap my client with a much smaller client and a much harder job. I wanted to cry hard but I didnt, as I got the news i went to my bluepen only thinking why it had to all go wrong with me. As much as I wanted it to be right, that much it was going wrong.

I was thinking about all the jealousy, all the bitterness, and all the anger i overlooked or subsided in the last week. I came back to reality to believe it wasnt worth it. Clearly in today's world, niceness is not expected out of you. The more you have it, the more you are a social outcast.

I am gonna grow from here, "what doesnt kill you only makes u stronger". To this I promise to work harder than this to prove myself. Fate will turn in my favour, it will have to.

"you stay calm and chill. Am pretty sure u can do wonders if u b patient and not lose temper.Trust me on dat"
" u need to have more faith in urself"
- I trust u...n more importantly i trust myself...
n m so hooked on to this song-ill love till the end :D

Week 1- Internship

I did a "dry - run" before my first day. It was perfect. The ambiance made me feel accepted.
Then well days passed, 3 fine days of training. The social was nice too. I just didnt like her sucking up to the ppl too much. May be I am a little jealous, but my be I am just disgusted by the whole idea of people giving up their ethics and by some overly-competitive people.

I miss Aman and Cia, every minute, every second...
they are a part of me here, and life is just so weird without them.
I have been very unspoken about it.
And there's this thing that I can call him
but i dont feel like it
I dont want to encourage a hand to his selfishness

3 more months to kill, and a blank 10 days to look forward to after that.

Day 6, Day 7-Doha

Darsh and all his happiness...
those words...those mistakes
that raising the finger to say "shut up" or " bevtof"
was an awesome day...and an awesome night...

these 2 days with him...with jiju and with didi,
that convo with a school friend..that strength..that support
that trust and those smiles..

n him...everythin about it...that conversation that felt good
no grudges, no bitchiness...plain flat conversation
where i jus spoke n he jus listened...
n when he spoke...the pain was gone...
that trust that he had on me...i feel part of it was to believe
there are smiles...there is a hope...
that things will unwind...everything...that life will take me on its own
to a new path...to new heights...to new smiles
with new ppl, with new courage, with new expectations...
that life will demand different things...that god will answer many prayers
differently...
u've given a lot...n ill hold on to this for life
treasure your memories, like those pictures, like those messages
n forget u ever existed..
i m on my way...to a very new start
i m very hopeful
i m very cautious
i m very happy
n i m very focused ...

Day 5, Day 6-Doha

very long Day5
cleared so much between me n her
so many bondings free
so many happy moments
i loved it all
every bit was so happy
with old friends some times are such
so many smiles, giggles
all filed in that corridor
those common jokes
tthose hands in urs
n the night ended with a proposal...lol
with drunk men n women,
with smoking all around
which made me wonder
m i really open to this world
n m i more conservative that wat dad expects or even wants me to be

Day was all i wanted from this vacation...summed up
a call long awaited...there was no confrontation
n it was so good
no mention of her
as if nothin had ever happened
i cant bear to see him lie to me again
so i made no mention
prolly he really knows
that i dont trust him
but if he wants it that way so be it
n omg...darsh is so cute
red light gooooo....
perfecct outing with jiju n didi..
some tennis, good times
n damnit...still have to do the compliance thing+sherins gift+di's album+packing

n the best thing...i m smiling:D again...since 2 days..
remembering those same spots, those same words...thanks to a friend...old but great friend

Day 4-Doha

I made an attempt to be nice
but it didnt quite work out...
its a shitty ambience...
i dunno wats worse...
seeing it crash day by day
or jus waking up one morning to see it all gone forever
i wish i could hate with a passion and stick to it...
i m now a little bit i m guessing
I wish u were there to listen
to call to message
to support to take me out of this crazy phase of depression
I dont ever wanna go there again
where ur memories live
those were moments..the happiest in my life
n when i had them i knew
they'll never be forever
y then today..this hurts this much
y then today have ppl left
y then today are people being ruthless
I wish I could take back my love
n i wish i culd make people taste their own medicine
i m running very far away
n m looking frwd to a new beginning
that will set my life again in smiles

Day 3-Doha

Some decisions...some talks
better if not it is getting less suffocating
some support stays..most of which i wanna leave
these apprehensions, these fears
there's a very long life to start afresh

Day 2-Doha

like it ever ends..
I came to Doha thinking I had a fmily to talk to..
but it looks like God didnt really like to leave that one door open for me as well...
tears here are following without really any end..
like i wonder y i wanna live, or keep anyone else alive...
its a depressing life and it hurts

Day 1-doha

I came here thinking nothing will let me remember that..
all those things will be put behind...but no
discomfort added on; where i made attempt i met rejection
at home...lots of tears, my first nite out-complete disaster
I wonder wat i m paying a price for,
to love, or to hate, or to do both..
I m left with no support, i feel those tryin times start again...
family, love, friends or my own self...
there's nothing left to trust,
there's nothin left to love