Its been a hard week,
I am hit hard...
I may be alone...
but surprisingly, there's nothing i miss from old times
thats the benefit of being prepared,
there is no shock
or grief or depression..
Ya i miss them, but not their presence
I miss talkin long hors on the phone
but so much I have realized,
that i dont have the time either...
this is leading on to be a perfect summer
where so mnay things will be taught to me
patience, perseverance,
and most importantly,
how it is to be with a family
that is sometimes breaking,
and sometimes supporting
I have grown by far, in this week
much more than I had in the past

If there was just one thing that was going right in my life or that was giving me the strength...it was my work life. But something happened today; which made me believe that if God does exist, he's blind, he's deaf..and for the most part he's not there.

I was displaced from my audit, all the people unassigned were given my client, and I had to swap my client with a much smaller client and a much harder job. I wanted to cry hard but I didnt, as I got the news i went to my bluepen only thinking why it had to all go wrong with me. As much as I wanted it to be right, that much it was going wrong.

I was thinking about all the jealousy, all the bitterness, and all the anger i overlooked or subsided in the last week. I came back to reality to believe it wasnt worth it. Clearly in today's world, niceness is not expected out of you. The more you have it, the more you are a social outcast.

I am gonna grow from here, "what doesnt kill you only makes u stronger". To this I promise to work harder than this to prove myself. Fate will turn in my favour, it will have to.

"you stay calm and chill. Am pretty sure u can do wonders if u b patient and not lose temper.Trust me on dat"
" u need to have more faith in urself"
- I trust u...n more importantly i trust myself...
n m so hooked on to this song-ill love till the end :D

Week 1- Internship

I did a "dry - run" before my first day. It was perfect. The ambiance made me feel accepted.
Then well days passed, 3 fine days of training. The social was nice too. I just didnt like her sucking up to the ppl too much. May be I am a little jealous, but my be I am just disgusted by the whole idea of people giving up their ethics and by some overly-competitive people.

I miss Aman and Cia, every minute, every second...
they are a part of me here, and life is just so weird without them.
I have been very unspoken about it.
And there's this thing that I can call him
but i dont feel like it
I dont want to encourage a hand to his selfishness

3 more months to kill, and a blank 10 days to look forward to after that.

Day 6, Day 7-Doha

Darsh and all his happiness...
those words...those mistakes
that raising the finger to say "shut up" or " bevtof"
was an awesome day...and an awesome night...

these 2 days with him...with jiju and with didi,
that convo with a school friend..that strength..that support
that trust and those smiles..

n him...everythin about it...that conversation that felt good
no grudges, no bitchiness...plain flat conversation
where i jus spoke n he jus listened...
n when he spoke...the pain was gone...
that trust that he had on me...i feel part of it was to believe
there are smiles...there is a hope...
that things will unwind...everything...that life will take me on its own
to a new path...to new heights...to new smiles
with new ppl, with new courage, with new expectations...
that life will demand different things...that god will answer many prayers
differently...
u've given a lot...n ill hold on to this for life
treasure your memories, like those pictures, like those messages
n forget u ever existed..
i m on my way...to a very new start
i m very hopeful
i m very cautious
i m very happy
n i m very focused ...

Day 5, Day 6-Doha

very long Day5
cleared so much between me n her
so many bondings free
so many happy moments
i loved it all
every bit was so happy
with old friends some times are such
so many smiles, giggles
all filed in that corridor
those common jokes
tthose hands in urs
n the night ended with a proposal...lol
with drunk men n women,
with smoking all around
which made me wonder
m i really open to this world
n m i more conservative that wat dad expects or even wants me to be

Day was all i wanted from this vacation...summed up
a call long awaited...there was no confrontation
n it was so good
no mention of her
as if nothin had ever happened
i cant bear to see him lie to me again
so i made no mention
prolly he really knows
that i dont trust him
but if he wants it that way so be it
n omg...darsh is so cute
red light gooooo....
perfecct outing with jiju n didi..
some tennis, good times
n damnit...still have to do the compliance thing+sherins gift+di's album+packing

n the best thing...i m smiling:D again...since 2 days..
remembering those same spots, those same words...thanks to a friend...old but great friend

Day 4-Doha

I made an attempt to be nice
but it didnt quite work out...
its a shitty ambience...
i dunno wats worse...
seeing it crash day by day
or jus waking up one morning to see it all gone forever
i wish i could hate with a passion and stick to it...
i m now a little bit i m guessing
I wish u were there to listen
to call to message
to support to take me out of this crazy phase of depression
I dont ever wanna go there again
where ur memories live
those were moments..the happiest in my life
n when i had them i knew
they'll never be forever
y then today..this hurts this much
y then today have ppl left
y then today are people being ruthless
I wish I could take back my love
n i wish i culd make people taste their own medicine
i m running very far away
n m looking frwd to a new beginning
that will set my life again in smiles

Day 3-Doha

Some decisions...some talks
better if not it is getting less suffocating
some support stays..most of which i wanna leave
these apprehensions, these fears
there's a very long life to start afresh

Day 2-Doha

like it ever ends..
I came to Doha thinking I had a fmily to talk to..
but it looks like God didnt really like to leave that one door open for me as well...
tears here are following without really any end..
like i wonder y i wanna live, or keep anyone else alive...
its a depressing life and it hurts

Day 1-doha

I came here thinking nothing will let me remember that..
all those things will be put behind...but no
discomfort added on; where i made attempt i met rejection
at home...lots of tears, my first nite out-complete disaster
I wonder wat i m paying a price for,
to love, or to hate, or to do both..
I m left with no support, i feel those tryin times start again...
family, love, friends or my own self...
there's nothing left to trust,
there's nothin left to love