This is what I wrote on my flight back-

"My mind is juggling ideas, thoughts, ways to make this problem easier, to defeat my natural instinct to feel bad, to feel hurt, to feel like this can be made better. To find any practical solution that can make me feel lighter.

I go back and think to myself-no I tried hard. I did all I could and the rest was destiny. I don't think of God as the one who controls everything. He is an intermediary, a very kind figure who is there to make our life less worse. He's trying all he can to make it a little easier. Sometimes, he is successful, sometimes stronger defeats him.

J was the highlight of my trip. It was just so good to plan that afternoon with him. Once in a while, Ill think of his niceness, and remember - if to no1 else, it matters to him. As if he says "I care for you, I respect you... I want to preserve this as good friends"

Another highlight was of-course...N bothered me...a very good sign I am human, once in a while jealous. Its gone, its chnged and I forget very quickly...I demanded this change. I will breathe hard and tell myself- its okay, its normal. I need to forgive myself if I need somethings to help me going a demanding life once in a while.

Excited to be back...Waiting to meet the dot dot ppl.

And thinking of what dad said-life is never easy. You make the not-so-easy-part fun...I went thru the many hurdles...made some mistakes and reached where I am...it never came to me easy and it shouldnt either to you....Thats how ull get to where I am

The words of 2009:
"While you went thru the bad side of being in a relationship...and you were devoid of all the good side of it" Thats why may be...eventhough i never dated...i knew exactly how bitter it could be...and I am too scared to get into one coz well, i have never really touched the good side of it...lol!
wow...ill be out of touch for a bit...big thinfs coming up...cya soon and Happy 2010!

As I hide these tears from my parents,
I cant help but use them to feel better,
the threshold of tolerable pain has reached
a completely new level...

That the person I seek kindness from
has left no oppurtunity to be a jerk
And the way he consoled me when i was hurt
last yr, least he could have done today,
was left me with some1 to share these emotions with...

I think I know what I was scared of
when i left home in Canada...I see it today
the irony of this very date...
Life has taken a huge U-turn, and
I hope to accelerate gears on the right path

I am full of emotions this moment
Like my fate for today was this...
That you said what you had to
and i couldnt agree more...
And I see it today...
we're leading two distinct lives...
which will never cross again
Thank you for everything :)

When you peel layers of skin

from a wound thats healing...

its bound to hurt..

it bound to bleed..

so..bought my squash racquet and ball..

started reading last lecture...

i m all set!

you used the word 'care' and 'respect' to define a lot of feelings today...
it has helped, such a great deal to calm those many unspoken feelings..
that may be what I have for him is the niceness I want to return...
that his opinion counts because I respect those some attributes he makes visible..
and that love was a totally different thing...too far fetched for us to discuss
or to see in a person you've bearly known or seen around other people...
that while he was distant, it was easy to for him to hide qualities
he didnt want to make visible...and that you cant love him
because there is such a possibility that he is one among those
many people you dont like too much, or are not attracted to here...
This explains why, so many people who dream of the picture perfect guy
find them in long distance or online relationships, because its now so easy
to fit in that picture perfect definition, or become something others want you to be

one day life will hug me with open arms
one day you'll remember my love
one day the world will see my honesty
one day my niceness will be rewarded

one day the world will be fair
one day you will care
i may not be around till then
but that day ull read this
and hope for many different things to be back

gods answering all our prayers
one by one
but one day it will be my turn
to love, to be loved, to lean on
to watch my happy family

i will not quit with time
ill grow...ill not withdraw or give up
ill wait for you to hug me
and pull me in your arms forever