This is what I wrote on my flight back-

"My mind is juggling ideas, thoughts, ways to make this problem easier, to defeat my natural instinct to feel bad, to feel hurt, to feel like this can be made better. To find any practical solution that can make me feel lighter.

I go back and think to myself-no I tried hard. I did all I could and the rest was destiny. I don't think of God as the one who controls everything. He is an intermediary, a very kind figure who is there to make our life less worse. He's trying all he can to make it a little easier. Sometimes, he is successful, sometimes stronger defeats him.

J was the highlight of my trip. It was just so good to plan that afternoon with him. Once in a while, Ill think of his niceness, and remember - if to no1 else, it matters to him. As if he says "I care for you, I respect you... I want to preserve this as good friends"

Another highlight was of-course...N bothered me...a very good sign I am human, once in a while jealous. Its gone, its chnged and I forget very quickly...I demanded this change. I will breathe hard and tell myself- its okay, its normal. I need to forgive myself if I need somethings to help me going a demanding life once in a while.

Excited to be back...Waiting to meet the dot dot ppl.

And thinking of what dad said-life is never easy. You make the not-so-easy-part fun...I went thru the many hurdles...made some mistakes and reached where I am...it never came to me easy and it shouldnt either to you....Thats how ull get to where I am